Zendaya, noami osaka: Baby mama culture vs. engagement culture?
Even in a society that is seemingly progressive, technologically driven, and increasingly individualistic - our capacity for love and connection remains a central driving force. Love is a powerful force. The Greek describe love in various forms, from the romanticism and passion of eros (erotic love), to the companionship and camaraderie of philia - the home of the bromance and platonic soulmate, to even the spiritual and all-encompassing love of an immovable God - agape. Love is all the rage. Social media has capitalized on this. Ask any woman aged 18 to 35 what she sees all over her Instagram or TikTok feed - engagements, baecations, pregnancy announcements. It’s clear that even with our technological development and self-proclaimed advanced understanding of self-worth and relationships - we are all are fools for love.
Consider this - our quest for love powers everything we do. From the posts we showcase on social media, to the apps we download (Bumble and Tinder), to even the friends we select and social groups that we form. Humans are fundamentally social creatures, and while there are circles where singlehood has become more common and expected (i.e. single motherhood by choice movement) - there still are prevailing beliefs around a human’s desirability if another person hasn’t publicly claimed them in the form of a committed relationship, marriage, or even in the form of being impregnated with a child. This is the whole “baby showers are replacing weddings,” argument. I hate to spew gender studies rhetoric - but as women in a patriarchal society - love is more than just romance, it’s a business. From the makeup and jewelry commercials, to even the perfume we buy - love powers companies and entire industries on the basis of a woman’s desire to feel beautiful and be cherished.
For Black women, the concept of (heterosexual) love can be additionally politicized. With sayings such as “so-and-so keeps a man,” and the pro-marriage influence of the Christian faith and the Black church - a Black woman’s romantic choices are often magnified to make up stories - some non-fiction, some completely fictional - to explain her personality assets or even deficiencies. If she gets married or engaged, we assume that she’s more inherently worthy of such an act. She must be smarter, more honorable, or even more beautiful than the other women he encountered, which is why he made that decision. If another woman fails to receive the same results, we once again find a way to blame her. She doesn’t know her worth, her picker is off, etc. We’ve all heard the saying that “she can’t keep a man,” or things along those lines referencing a woman’s worth is dependent on being coupled up.
When I saw the discourse around Zendaya’s engagement in comparison to the likes of Keke Palmer, Halle Bailey, Naomi Osaka, Skai Jackson, Coi Leray, Dreamdoll, Flo Milli, and the list goes on - I had to jump into the conversation. I saw a widespread array of reactions - many positive to Zendaya’s engagement, but some oddly used her engagement to “shame” or “humble” the myriad of Black women who haven’t managed to secure a commitment from their partners. We’re not blind to the rampant humbling of successful Black women that has become common discourse. To make matters worse, the timing of Zendaya’s engagement coincided with Naomi Osaka announcing that she is no longer with her former partner and child’s father, YBN Cordae; which further spurred direct comparisons. Why can’t Black families stick together? Why do we have so many single mothers, etc.? Questions and comments buzzed - some celebratory, some shaming.
For the women I listed - Keke Palmer, Halle Bailey, Naomi Osaka, Skai Jackson, Coi Leray - some on this list are considered role models and cultural icons (in the making). Keke Palmer - the millennial diva herself - is a young woman we grew up with. Akeelah and The Bee is her name, she practically raised Gen Z / younger millennials through television shows that helped us discover and own our identities, our ambition, and more. Think Jump In, True Jackson VP, RAGS, etc. I remember watching her on True Jackson VP - was that why I wanted to be a fashion designer? She made being a VP - an often gruesome career feat - seem possible for Black women. Halle Bailey, for many young Black gen alpha girls, is their Keke Palmer. The star of The Little Mermaid and R&B songstress (ChloeXHalle); her groundbreaking role in The Little Mermaid unlocked the collective imagination of a group of young women that often don’t see themselves as princesses. We can say similar things about Naomi Osaka - the tennis protege that was supposed to take the crown from Serena Williams.
Are the stakes higher for Black women? Is that why we get upset when they have children out of wedlock? Were the celebrations of Zendaya’s engagement a battle cry for Black women? One seeming win out of the sea of “losses” we’ve taken in relationships. I’d like to counteract that with some deeper historical and social context. According to the Knot, societal perceptions of marriage have changed. With more and more people delaying marriage to focus on education and career, we’re getting married older - on average. For most, that’s fine - there are benefits to delaying marriage to build a proper foundation for entering a relationship with more confidence and understanding of yourself and your values. However, for Black women, the marriage conversation often revolves around fearmongering tactics. Vox reported that 48% of Black women they surveyed had never been married - up from 20% in the 1970s. Even when we do get married, there are articles displaying that those marriages are on shaky ground - with Black women being the most likely to be divorced. The Journal of Blacks in Higher Education reports that Black women are the most likely to be single parents - largely due to the pervasiveness of divorce in our community. This ties into our community’s economic stratification - marriage is a primary tool for building wealth and moving across class lines.
Second to the quest of love, for many women, is the desire to have a child. This goes back to the foundational feminine archetypes - the mother being the primary life force and a powerful feminine instinct. Feminine energy is the energy of creation, and life creation is a driver of this expression. This is biological, you ovulate every month, and every month there is a chance for pregnancy. While we may have our own opinions and want or desire better for these young Black women, the truth is - they are human. They are your sisters, your aunties, your cousins. They face the same struggles and drives many women face - the desire to feel loved, to gain the commitment of a partner, and to pass down their lineage through a child. I get the disappointment - but I also don’t understand the need to make examples out of those who have already made their choice. You make your bed, you lie in it. Keke Palmer or Halle Bailey being Hollywood darlings doesn’t absolve them from the fear-based thinking that many Black women are inundated with by the media and even Hollywood itself. From their perspective it isn’t worth waiting for marriage to have a child - and judging by the single motherhood rate in our community, there are a plethora of women that agree with them. We can’t shame them for their choice as individual actors within an ecosystem promoting a certain image and lifestyle. They aren’t above being influenced by the imagery and messaging surrounding our community.
Keke Palmer recently declared that she doesn’t feel that marriage is necessary for her future. Naomi Osaka has announced her split from YBN Cordae. Everyone can’t be Ciara with the prayer. Everyone isn’t religious or believes in the sanctity of marriage. Even Rihanna - a billionaire herself - has chosen domestic partnership over marriage. Whether these women choose to continue with the partners or move on, that’s their choice. For them, their quest for happiness, love, partnership, and legacy resulted in a child. They are no different from the women who choose to get married and engaged before building a family. They just chose to do things differently. In a community that is not marriage minded and has normalized single-motherhood, what do we expect? If we want different results, we have to do different things. It starts with more pro-marriage imagery for Gen Alpha and those coming after them. Otherwise, the cycle that we claim to want broken, will continue.
This is an aside, but we can’t ignore the optics of the situation either. Zendaya, a biracial woman with a mix of African and Eurocentric features, is engaged to a Caucasian actor. This raises questions about the desirability of unambiguous Black women (Keke / Halle), or even the pro-Black marriage instinct of Black men. There has been a lot of discourse around Black men and marriage - primarily declaring that they are most likely (of all groups) to marry a woman outside of their race, and that they are the least likely group of men to be married. This is reinforced by societal imagery, social media trends, and the glorification of figures such as Nick Cannon and Future. Their choice, and their life, but what we choose to promote has lasting consequences. We are all products of our environment. We can rise above it, yes, but it takes us finding the tools to do so. If we want more Black women to get Zendaya’s results, then we need to be committed to creating an ecosystem and sociological environment where it is more likely for them to achieve it.
